With All My Love Read online

  CHAPTER NINE

  ‘Hey, stranger, I haven’t seen you out much. Where have you been hiding? Happy Christmas.’ Jeff’s voice made Valerie’s heart lurch and she turned to find him looking at her, a broad smile creasing his face. She was in the supermarket getting some shopping for her mother. It was the day before New Year’s Eve.

  ‘Hi yourself,’ she said flatly. He hadn’t been in touch since the concert. For all she knew he was back with Ursula. She wasn’t going to pretend to be thrilled to see him. He was a man, they were all the same, and she hated the species.

  ‘So where have you been? I thought I’d see you in the hotel on Christmas Eve or Stephen’s Night.’ He looked taken aback at her coolness.

  ‘Um, had family stuff, couldn’t make it this year,’ she said offhandedly, dropping a pint of milk into her basket.

  ‘Are you going to be there tomorrow night? Will we see in the new decade together?’

  ‘Er . . .’ she dithered, ‘. . . Probably.’

  ‘Great, we can catch up. It’s good to see you, Valerie.’ He was smiling down at her so warmly, his brown eyes staring into hers. She felt confused. Was he really glad to see her or was he putting it on?

  ‘So what’s the news? How did your exams go?’ he asked as she moved towards the cashier.

  ‘I think I did OK.’ She shifted the basket to her other arm. ‘How did you do?’

  ‘Here, let me carry that,’ he said, taking it from her.

  ‘Thanks, Jeff,’ she murmured, wishing she could even pretend to be bright and perky. She just felt completely flat and miserable, and wished that the Christmas festivities would be over so she could be unhappy in peace without having to feign festive cheer. There was no way she would be allowed to go to the hotel to celebrate New Year’s Eve. Terence wouldn’t even allow her out on Friday nights to go babysitting with Lizzie any more.

  ‘You’ll be going nowhere until you have your exams done. I won’t be giving you the chance to make a fool of me again, you little liar,’ he’d told her the morning after he’d beaten her, as she stood at the kitchen sink, drinking a cup of tea and trying to ignore the scalding pain in the backs of her legs and buttocks.

  ‘At least I’m not a thief,’ she said spiritedly.

  He would have hit her again only her mother stepped between them and said in the sternest voice Valerie had ever heard her use, ‘Don’t you ever lay another finger on her, Terence, or I’ll phone the guards. You’ve gone too far this time.’

  ‘If she pulls a stunt like that again she’ll get worse,’ her father had growled. ‘And you won’t be out any later than eight o’clock until your exams are over.’ He’d pointed a finger in her face before grabbing his jacket and brushing past them to go to work.

  ‘Do you want to stay at home today?’ Carmel had asked her dispiritedly. ‘Go on back to bed and I’ll bring you some toast. I’ll write a note for your teacher, and for God’s sake don’t ever give him an opportunity like that again. Do your exams and get the best marks you can, so you can get out of here.’

  ‘I hate him. How can you stay with him, Mam? He thinks he owns us!’ Valerie had burst into tears. She was angry with her mother for being so submissive. And deep down, she was also angry with her for not stepping in and protecting her.

  ‘Go back to bed,’ her mother had repeated wearily, and Valerie saw that Carmel’s eyes were bright with tears. They never spoke of the incident again and a shroud of depression settled around the house that not even Christmas could lift. If anything, it added to the gloom, and Carmel had cooked a chicken instead of a turkey, much to Terence’s disgust.

  ‘If you want a turkey cook it yourself. I couldn’t be bothered going through all the charade and Valerie’s not pushed because I asked her,’ Carmel said dully, and turned her back on him when he asked her if she had ordered the bird.

  ‘And what about me? The wage earner in the house who works from dawn till dusk to provide for you pair of ungrateful cows?’ he’d demanded, furious. But for once, Carmel had let him rant and she went to her room where he knew never to enter.

  Usually Valerie put up the tree and the decorations but this year she stayed mostly in her room and he had to decorate the house himself, desperate that the neighbours would think nothing untoward was going on.

  When the memories of the beating invaded Valerie’s mind at night, she banished them with thoughts of her much-longed-for reunion with Jeff, but as the days passed and there was no contact from him she’d found no respite there and felt an irrational resentment towards him for letting her down. Now, looking at him as he helped unload her shopping at the cash desk, she felt herself softening. One thing about him, he had great manners, she thought approvingly. It was one of the things she most liked about him.

  She paid for her purchases, bagged them, and waited for him to put his few items through. The supermarket was busy with people replenishing their stores for the New Year celebrations and several people greeted them and wished them ‘Happy New Year’ as they made their way out the door.

  ‘I have Ma’s car; I’ll give you a lift.’

  ‘No, it’s fine, it’s only across the way,’ Valerie shrugged.

  ‘It’s starting to sleet, come on. Look, I got a real handy spot right opposite the door.’ He pointed to the car, which was parked practically in front of them. Part of her wanted to tell him to get lost – why hadn’t he been around when she’d needed him most? But she could tell that he had no idea that she was pissed off with him. And, she reminded herself, she had told him at the concert that she didn’t fancy him so why would he even think she was annoyed?

  ‘OK,’ she agreed, and he took her shopping bag and shoved it on the back seat before holding open the passenger door for her.

  ‘You’re a bit quiet,’ he remarked as he reversed out of the parking space and drove towards The Triangle.

  ‘I won’t be at the hotel tomorrow night. I’m not allowed out. My dad found out I’d been to the concert and beat the living daylights out of me with his belt.’ It all came tumbling out and her lower lip wobbled as she tried hard not to cry.

  ‘Are you serious?’ He glanced over at her, looking shocked. ‘God, that’s the pits. I’m really sorry.’ She struggled to compose herself but it was no use, her face crumpled under his concerned gaze and she burst into tears. ‘Let’s get out of here and go somewhere private,’ he said awkwardly. He accelerated up the road and took a left towards the hotel and the sea as she sniffled into her tissue, mortified at her meltdown. He followed the curve of the coast for a half-mile or so and pulled into an empty layby and picnic area.

  ‘Are you OK? Valerie?’ He stared at her helplessly. ‘Would you like me to speak to your dad and say it was my fault?’ That made her cry even harder as he took one of her hands in his.

  ‘No . . . thanks,’ she managed before breaking into fresh sobs.

  ‘Is there anything I can do?’ he asked tentatively.

  ‘No, it’s . . . it’s OK,’ she hiccuped. ‘I just feel what right had he to do that to me? I’m seventeen. I’m not a kid. To take his belt off and wallop me with it and not feel anything about how much it was hurting me. I’m his daughter. His only child. How could he do it, Jeff? How?’ Her pain was so raw she felt she was having a heart attack. ‘You wouldn’t do that to a dog, and it just kills me that everyone thinks he’s Mr Nice Guy. I hate him, Jeff. Imagine hating your own father?’ The words were tumbling out now in a torrent.

  ‘I couldn’t imagine that, Valerie; I get on well with my da. I’m really sorry to hear what you’ve just told me. I didn’t realize how tough things were for you at home.’ He stroked her hand gently.

  ‘Sorry for bawling,’ she apologized, looking at him through puffy eyes blurred from tears. ‘I’m so embarrassed.’

  ‘Don’t be embarrassed. Why should you be?’ he said gruffly. ‘I wouldn’t have asked you to come to the concert if I had known it would cause you such problems.’

  ‘I’m glad you did,’ she sa
id fiercely. ‘I had so much fun, more than I’ve ever had.’

  ‘I had fun too.’ He looked so upset and serious she impulsively reached over and stroked his cheek and then, realizing what she was doing, stopped, her hand dropping to her lap. ‘Sorry. I don’t know why I . . . oh God, now I’m even more embarrassed,’ she groaned.

  ‘I was really looking forward to seeing you again, Valerie. I’ve thought about you a lot,’ Jeff said quietly.

  ‘I’ve thought about you too,’ she admitted.

  ‘Would you be able to come for a drink tomorrow afternoon? We could celebrate New Year’s Eve early?’

  ‘I’d like that.’ She wiped her eyes. ‘Is Ursula back on the scene?’ She had to ask.

  ‘God, no!’ he exclaimed. ‘That’s really over. Like I said, I’ve thought about you a lot and I’d like to take you on a date tomorrow even if it is the middle of the afternoon. That’s if you want to. You did say you didn’t fancy me.’ He gave her a teasing grin.

  ‘An afternoon drink date might change that,’ she agreed, giving a wobbly smile.

  Their eyes met and he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her so tenderly that she was afraid she might start to cry again.

  Lying in bed that night, unwilling to sit watching TV in the same room as Terence, she took comfort from the memory of Jeff and his tenderness towards her. She knew without the shadow of a doubt that he would never do anything to hurt or harm her. He was as far removed from the type of man her father was as could be. Maybe the new decade was going to be the best time ever in her life. She knew for certain that the eighties would see her leave her family home to stand on her own two feet, and even though the thought scared her, it invigorated her as well. She would get good marks in her Leaving Cert because she was working like a Trojan and it would pay off. This time next year, if she was lucky, she would have a job, she comforted herself. She would be earning her own money and Terence would have no power over her ever again. And tomorrow she was going on a date, and her father wouldn’t even know about it. Jeff was a real man, a gentle man and he wanted to date her. Maybe good things were going to happen at last. Her spirits began to lift and the awful cloud of darkness that had being smothering her for the past few weeks began to dissipate.

  Valerie smiled at the memory of Jeff’s kindness and tenderness towards her. Even all these years later she could remember that moment as though it had happened yesterday. For the first time in her life she had realized that men could be kind and loving. It had been a revelation. She had never seen her father act tenderly towards her mother. Terence had never been affectionate with her, but as Lizzie had pointed out to her not so long ago when they had been discussing her relationship with her father, Terence had never received love and, consequently, didn’t know how to give it.

  Valerie sighed, fingering the gold cross that hung around her neck and which had been one of Jeff’s first gifts to her. He knew what it was to be kind and loving because he had experienced it. She was lucky, she supposed, that Carmel had made up for Terence’s failures as a parent, in her own quiet way. It was thanks to her mother that Valerie had enjoyed one of the most momentous occasions of her life when she had crossed the threshold of adulthood and never looked back.

  CHAPTER TEN

  ‘I’m a free woman!’ Valerie danced around Lizzie’s bedroom as she ripped off her school blouse and stepped out of her uniform skirt.

  ‘Me too. Yippeeeeeeee!’ Lizzie hollered, flinging her tie out the window. They had finished their last exam, and they were elated. School days were finally behind them and the future beckoned. And the beginning of that future was the End of Exam Barbecue, which was taking place down on the beach in a few hours’ time.

  Valerie had told her mother about the planned celebrations the previous week. ‘And I don’t care what Dad says, I’m going, Mam, and if he takes the belt to me again I’m going to have him charged with assault,’ she’d said heatedly.

  ‘Go to your barbecue, I’ll deal with him,’ Carmel had responded with uncharacteristic decisiveness. ‘It might be a good idea to stay with Lizzie for the night. Then you won’t have to be worried about what time you get in and he won’t be getting himself worked up.’

  ‘Thanks, Mam.’ Valerie flung her arms around her mother and hugged her. Carmel’s arms tightened around her. They didn’t usually show much affection and because it was so rare, it was a precious moment.

  ‘You’re a good girl, and a good daughter. I want you to have fun and be carefree when your exams are over. You’ve worked so hard you deserve it, and I’m very proud of you. I’m sorry I didn’t do more to stop your father beating you. I didn’t realize that was his intention.’ Carmel’s cheeks were pink as she made her speech, and her eyes were dark with a sad weariness that caught at Valerie’s heart.

  ‘It wasn’t your fault, Mam. Don’t think it was. I certainly don’t blame you,’ she’d said earnestly. ‘I just don’t think Dad likes me very much. I know he always wanted a boy.’

  ‘Well, I’m glad I had you,’ Carmel had replied fiercely. ‘And now you can live your own life and be independent. Always stand on your own two feet, Valerie. Don’t end up like me, dependent on a man like your father, with no life of my own.’

  ‘But why don’t you get a job, Mam? Earn your own money?’ Valerie had asked, surprised to be having such an unexpectedly intimate conversation with her mother. Carmel rarely spoke of her feelings.

  ‘I suppose I could. I could try to get work in the hotel, or in some of the B & Bs now that the summer season’s upon us. Your father would probably be all for it. You know what he’s like about money – the more there is the better.’ She gave a wry smile.

  ‘I think that’s a great idea, Mam. It feels so good having your own money. Lizzie and I and all the girls in our class have applied for jobs all over the place. We’ve done the Civil Service, Corporations, and County Council exams, and the banks, and hopefully we’ll get high up on the selection panels,’ Valerie said cheerfully.

  ‘Aahh, don’t worry, you’ll get a job with no bother, a bright girl like you. And I should stop being such a stick-in-the-mud, shouldn’t I?’ Carmel had said, displaying a bit of spark.

  ‘Yes, Mam. Get out there and be independent the way you’re always telling me to be. And when I get a car, we can learn to drive together. We don’t have to depend on him. He won’t let you drive his car and he’s told me I won’t be getting behind the wheel either, so stuff him. We’ll learn to drive ourselves,’ Valerie had said excitedly, relishing the thought of the look on her father’s face when she and her mother would no longer be obliged to him to be taken anywhere.

  ‘I don’t think I’d have the nerve to drive,’ Carmel said doubtfully.

  ‘You will, I’ll help you,’ Valerie had urged. ‘We won’t tell him and then when you’re confident enough you’ll just drive off one day in my car and leave him gobsmacked.’

  ‘We’ll see.’ Carmel had laughed, and Valerie had never felt so close to her.

  Life was certainly improving, she thought now, as she stood under the shower in Lizzie’s untidy bathroom, lathering sweet-scented peach shower cream all over. Jeff would be at the barbecue tonight. His exams had finished a few days ago, so tonight would be a double celebration. She couldn’t wait.

  Since that first afternoon date at New Year they had met most Sunday afternoons when his football match was over, going for a walk on the beach and a drink in the hotel afterwards. Jeff was great fun to be with, but he had a sensitive side that helped her through the lonely months of her curfew. Looking forward to their Sundays together kept her going.

  They would walk along the beach holding hands and catch up on the events of their respective week, before going back to the car, if he was able to borrow either of his parents’. They would drive to a secluded spot, and kiss and cuddle, and Valerie was never happier than when she and Jeff were in that special little bubble of time that was theirs alone. All the worries of exams and her unhappy home life would
evaporate for a while. As dusk began to fall they would drive back to the hotel for a drink before he would take her home around six. Then she would feel sad, knowing that he was heading up to Dublin and she had a long week of study ahead of her.

  ‘We’re soulmates, Lizzie,’ she would tell her best friend, who, tragically, had become manless at Easter. Phil Casey had turned out to be two-timing Lizzie with a Goth from Bray, and she was devastated and furious while trying not to be envious of Valerie’s blossoming romance.

  Lizzie was hoping that tonight her dry spell would be over and she would meet ‘The One’ at the barbecue. Valerie hoped she would too, so that she and Jeff could double date with her friend. She hated seeing Lizzie lonely and distressed after her break-up with Phil. She wanted them both to have fun. Now that the exams were over Terence could stick his curfew, blunt end first, up his skinny ass, she’d told her best friend. She was going to make up for all those months of isolation. She was going to party and she wanted Lizzie to be as happy as she was.

  In high spirits they pulled on bikinis and denim shorts. Lizzie selected a white V-necked T-shirt from her wardrobe, which emphasized her pert boobs and her golden tan. Valerie put on a pink and blue stripy cheesecloth shirt and tied it in a knot at her breastbone and slipped into a pair of white espadrilles. They looked great, they assured themselves as they studied their reflection in the chipped bevelled mirror in the corner of Lizzie’s bedroom.

  Lizzie was tall, and with her jet-black hair that fell in a silky curtain around her face, she reminded Valerie of Ali MacGraw. She studied herself critically. At five foot two she wished that she were a couple of inches taller, but at least she was slim enough, with curves in the right places. Her blond hair, worn in a shaggy cut, gave her an air of sophistication à la Jane Fonda in Klute, she decided, as she fiddled with the knot of her blouse to get it dead centre. At least they didn’t look like schoolgirls any more, she thought, as she applied another coat of mascara to her eyelashes. They had their beach bags packed and a bottle of vodka wrapped in a towel. It was time to go party.