With All My Love Read online

  Let Jeff abandon her. That was what men did and she was a mug to expect otherwise, she thought as she drove towards St Peter’s Church, with no sign in the mirror that her boyfriend was following her on his motorbike. She swung left at Doyle’s Corner, speeding through Phibsboro and Cross Guns Bridge, desperate to get home.

  Lizzie was out on a date with Dara Fallon, the guy she’d fancied for ages, and the flat had never felt so quiet, the silence amplifying the thudding of her heart. She felt so utterly alone. ‘What am I going do?’ she asked aloud as she studied her reflection in the big gilded oval mirror that hung over the mantelpiece and saw how pale she was, how sunken and dark her eyes were. Eyes that were full of fear and apprehension. She was going to be a mother! She was going to have a little being depend on her totally. What did she know about babies? Nothing! Carmel had never been pregnant after she’d had her. There had been no babies in their house for her to help rear. She’d never even fed a baby its bottle, she thought in blind panic as her stomach lurched and her thoughts whirled around her brain until she wanted to scream, ‘SHUT UP!’

  She heard the sound of a motorbike growing louder along the road and hurried to the window. She actually felt weak with relief as she saw Jeff dismount and lock the bike to Mrs Maguire’s railings. ‘Thank God! Thank God! Thank God!’ she breathed. He hadn’t abandoned her . . . yet.

  She hurried down the stairs to let him in. ‘I thought you weren’t going to come back,’ she blurted. ‘I thought you were going to leave me.’

  ‘I won’t leave you, Valerie,’ he said stoutly, and she felt more love for him at that moment than she’d ever done. ‘Come on, let’s go upstairs and decide what we’re going to do.’ He took her hand and started up the stairs ahead of her.

  Oh, no, he wants me to have an abortion. Relief was superseded by dismay as they reached the top of the stairs.

  ‘Do you want tea?’ she asked hesitantly as he stood back, then followed her into the kitchen.

  ‘No, no, thanks.’ He ran his hand over his stubbly jaw. He looked shattered as he leaned against the doorframe. ‘We’ll have to tell the folks, but before we do we better make our plans. We should try and get married around Christmas when I’ve finished my term exams. It will give us a few months to try and save. What do you think?’

  ‘That’s sounds . . . er . . . fine,’ she said weakly, and had to sit down on one of the kitchen stools because her legs had started to shake. Jeff was going to marry her. Everything was going to be OK. She felt faint with relief.

  It wasn’t ideal. She would love to have had a long courtship when they were free to do as they pleased, travel and see the world, save for a house, and celebrate their engagement. She would have liked all those things but they weren’t going to happen now. But at least she’d have a wedding ring on her finger and she wouldn’t be an ‘unmarried mother’, as girls in her position were so disparagingly called, she comforted herself. She loved Jeff with all her heart. He was the love of her life, there were no doubts in her mind about that. And he had told her before she got pregnant that he loved her. But was she the love of his life, she couldn’t help wondering. If she wasn’t pregnant would they have got engaged eventually or would he have tired of her and feel he didn’t want to be tied down? Now she’d never know. And that was something that would always niggle at her, no matter how much she tried to suppress it. Stop it, she told herself silently. Circumstances had ensured that they would marry, and far quicker than she had anticipated in those fantasies she’d happily indulged in every so often. This was her reality now and she had to deal with it.

  ‘I’ll come with you to tell your parents,’ she heard him say.

  She jumped up off the high stool and threw her arms around him. ‘Oh, Jeff, you’re so good to me.’ She rested her head on his shoulder and felt a measure of peace descend for the first time since her life had been turned upside down.

  He gave her a squeeze. ‘We’ll be OK,’ he said, and because she wanted to believe him she did.

  It would be a lovely wedding, Lizzie assured her the following day when Jeff had gone. She, of course, would be the bridesmaid, she grinned. Valerie could wear ivory; it was becoming a popular colour for wedding dresses now. She could have her dress cut in the empire-line style, which would hide a burgeoning bump. Lizzie was enjoying being in charge as she handed the mother-to-be a mug of hot milk and pepper, with dry cream crackers, her own mother’s remedy for nausea.

  Valerie burst into tears at her friend’s kindness. ‘I don’t want to be looking like a beached whale waddling up the aisle,’ she wept. Her hormones were all over the place. One minute everything was fine and she was feeling normal and even a little excited, the next she was in floods and everything loomed like a big dark cloud on her horizon. It was most unsettling.

  ‘You won’t be like a beached whale. You’ll be gorgeous and voluptuous and sexy,’ Lizzie soothed, patting her back.

  ‘Why did the fucking condom burst?’ Valerie raged between snotty sobs. ‘It’s God’s punishment for us having premarital sex, that’s what it is.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Lizzie scoffed. ‘It was bad luck, nothing more, nothing less. A child is a gift not a punishment, Valerie.’ Lizzie looked at her sternly. ‘So stop that nonsense.’

  ‘Easy for you to say,’ sniffed Valerie. ‘I’m just saying what Da will be saying when I tell him.’

  ‘Stop fretting and worrying about things until you have to worry about them,’ her friend advised as she settled down on the sofa with a crisp sandwich and a mug of tea, to watch Star Trek.

  Terence wouldn’t pay for a big wedding; of that there was no doubt, Valerie mused as she washed up some dirty dishes. She’d be lucky if he didn’t throw her out of the house for good and tell her never to set foot in it again. She felt even more nauseous as she thought of telling Carmel her news. Her mother would be so disappointed for her. She took such pleasure listening to her daughter’s tales of life in ‘the big smoke’, as Carmel called Dublin. They had had a few most enjoyable mother-and-daughter days, including trips to the cinema, theatre and, on Carmel’s birthday, lunch in the Royal Dublin Hotel, a special treat that Carmel had thoroughly enjoyed.

  There’d be no more luxuries like that, Valerie thought sadly. Every penny counted now. Jeff was still in college and wouldn’t have finished his final exams before the baby was born. They would have to find somewhere to live and find someone to look after the baby while she was at work, but at least Jeff would be by her side. They would be a family. It was all she’d ever wanted really, even if it was all happening much sooner than she’d anticipated.

  Would it be a boy or a girl, she wondered. She’d like a little girl. Jeff would be a very kind and loving father, very different from Terence. Theirs would be a happy home, she thought with rising optimism as she hummed ‘Crazy Little Thing Called Love’.

  Now, two weeks later, as she lay awake in the light of the full moon, her mind racing, her heart was sad. Very sad. Jeff hadn’t come up from Rockland’s. He’d phoned her around six thirty to say he was only getting ashore and he had to be up before the dawn to catch the tide. If it was OK with her he’d give it a miss for tonight and see her at the weekend. What could she say but that it was fine? She could do with an early night, she’d lied.

  Valerie felt that by now familiar fear in the pit of her stomach. Jeff was cooling off, she was sure of it. They were supposed to be telling their parents at the weekend and discussing the arrangements for the wedding. It was clear he was having second thoughts and didn’t want to go through with it. As she’d always dreaded, she was on her own.

  She tossed and turned for hours, frantic for sleep, knowing that she had to go to work in the morning, and almost cried when the moonlight waned and the first faint glimmers of daybreak whispered across the eastern sky, and the birds began their inexorable dawn symphony, celebrating the start of a new day.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Something was up, Carmel thought in dismay as
she saw her daughter pushing a piece of bacon around her plate. She had cooked Valerie’s favourite meal: bacon, cabbage, floury potatoes and parsley sauce. It had been a while since her daughter was home for the weekend and she had been really looking forward to seeing her.

  They had grown much closer since Valerie had moved up to Dublin. Carmel was immensely proud of the way she had made a whole new life for herself. She was blossoming into a beautiful self-assured, happy young woman, living the life she wanted, a far cry from her own dreary existence. Valerie was living, she was existing, Carmel often thought, wishing she had the get-up-and-go to improve her life. Valerie had bought a car and learned to drive. At least Carmel was taking lessons, which was a big leap for her, if somewhat nerve-racking.

  Valerie loved living in the flat with Lizzie and they had made a very good job of decorating it. Carmel, impressed with how they had updated their old-fashioned bedroom, had taken a leaf out of her daughter’s book and done a little redecorating of her own. She’d bought some new mint-green and cream floral-patterned material and made curtains, and a matching bedspread with a little frill around the end. It gave her small bedroom a bright fresh new look. Valerie had been very complimentary when she’d seen it and had bought a few scatter cushions to throw on the bed.

  Carmel loved spending a Saturday in the city with her daughter. She would travel up on the bus and Valerie would pick her up at Bus Aras. Carmel was amazed at how unfazed she was driving around in the traffic and how well she knew the city after only a few months living there. She brought her to places she’d never been to before. They had spent a lovely day on Carmel’s birthday, shopping in the Dandelion Market and Grafton Street before having a posh lunch in the Royal Dublin Hotel. Valerie had ordered smoked salmon for her starter. Carmel had had a little taste but hadn’t liked it very much. She’d played it safe and had a prawn cocktail but at Valerie’s urging she had tried the chicken supreme with rice and had really enjoyed it. Her daughter had insisted that she have a glass of wine to celebrate and Carmel had felt on a par with ‘The Elite’ in the fancy houses in the village. They were always lunching in fancy hotels. Afterwards, Valerie had taken her to the National Botanic Gardens just across the road from where she lived. The beauty and scents of the magnificent rose garden had been breathtaking. The weeping willows dipping into the river that curved around the boundary gave off such a tranquil air she could have stayed there for hours.

  When she’d heard Valerie was coming home for the weekend, Carmel had made an effort and decorated the table with her good linen tablecloth and silverware, and had bought a bottle of Black Tower as a special treat. In a fortunate turn of events, Terence had had to work overtime and wasn’t due home until after ten so they could have a lovely relaxed dinner with no tension. She hadn’t anticipated Valerie arriving home looking pale and wan, with dark circles smudging her eyes, and unable to eat her dinner, let alone drink the wine that sparkled in her Waterford crystal glasses, a wedding present from an aunt all those years ago. They’d never been used until now and she had shined them until they sparkled before pouring in the golden liquid.

  ‘Are you not feeling the best? You look a bit pale,’ she queried as Valerie ate a small portion of potato that she had mashed into the sauce.

  ‘I’m a bit off,’ Valerie admitted.

  ‘That’s a pity. I was hoping you’d enjoy the wine. I bought it as a bit of a treat for us.’

  ‘Thanks, Mam.’ Valerie smiled at her.

  ‘And how’s Jeff?’ Carmel asked lightly, hiding her disappointment. ‘Will you be seeing him later?’

  ‘He’s fine,’ Valerie said heavily. ‘I’ll be seeing him tomorrow. He’s at a friend’s stag party tonight. Mam, I’ve something to tell you.’

  Carmel felt an icy hand grip her guts as she saw her daughter’s expression. The pallor, the lack of appetite, the air of ennui. Please, not that! She sent up a silent prayer. ‘What’s the matter?’ she said quietly, folding her hands in her lap.

  ‘I’m pregnant.’

  The words hung like giant boulders over Carmel’s head, crashing down into her as all the dreams she held for her daughter smashed into smithereens. ‘Oh, Valerie!’ Carmel whispered, sick to her stomach.

  ‘I’m sorry, Mam,’ Valerie said miserably, twisting her serviette in a knot.

  ‘But didn’t you protect yourself? Girls can do that now, it’s different than in my day.’ Carmel tried to keep her voice steady. She wanted to slap Valerie and shout, ‘You stupid, silly girl, you had every chance and now you’ve ruined it. And you’ve given your father the chance to have a real go at you. He’ll never forgive you. You’ll be able to go back to Dublin but I’m the one who will have to sit and listen to him. How could you, Valerie, how could you?’ The words shrieked around in her head and for a moment she thought she’d actually uttered them.

  ‘We used condoms,’ Valerie muttered.

  ‘You can’t depend on them,’ Carmel said crossly. ‘You know your father is going to go mad. Oh, Valerie, you’ve given him the opportunity to have such a go at you and there’s nothing I’ll be able to do about it.’

  ‘Don’t worry, Mam, it will be OK. We’re getting married at Christmas. Jeff’s going to be here when I tell him. I was going to wait to tell you together . . .’ She bit her lip.

  ‘Married! You don’t want to rush into marriage, Valerie,’ Carmel said in alarm.

  ‘But then I’d be an unmarried mother!’ Valerie exclaimed, astonished at her mother’s reaction.

  ‘There are worse things, Valerie. Better to be an unmarried mother than an unhappy wife.’

  ‘We love each other,’ Valerie ventured, lowering her eyes, and Carmel felt a fresh rush of worry as she wondered what Jeff’s true feelings for her daughter were.

  ‘Why don’t you go and lie down for a while?’ she said tiredly, standing up from the table. ‘I’ll clear away here.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Mam.’ Valerie was near to tears.

  ‘Go and rest,’ she repeated. ‘We’ll get through it step by step and I know Lizzie will be a big help to you.’

  ‘She is already, Mam, she is,’ Valerie said with heartfelt emotion. ‘I can always depend on her.’

  ‘Well it’s good to have someone in life to depend on. My advice to you is to wait until Sunday to tell your father. Then you can leave for Dublin and it will give him time to cool down,’ Carmel said, scraping the uneaten meals into the bin. ‘And make life easy on yourself, Valerie. For once in your life, do not argue with your father, no matter what he says to you,’ she warned.

  ‘OK, thanks, Mam.’ Valerie stood up from the table. ‘I am sorry.’

  ‘Stop apologizing. What’s done is done, and we have to get on with it,’ Carmel said sharply, flinging the plates into the basin none too gently, before filling it with water and washing-up liquid.

  She heard her daughter walk down the hallway and shook her head in despair. Terence would lose the plot completely. The family’s name would be shamed. There’d be talk and speculation, the way there always was when something like this happened in Rockland’s. It was like every other village in the country: claustrophobic, smothering, a hotbed of gossip and exaggeration, Carmel thought wearily as she immersed her hands in the soapy water.

  She kept herself to herself mostly, but Terence was very involved in the parish activities and liked to be seen doing good deeds. His reputation and how their neighbours viewed him had always been important to him. This would be a harsh blow. A very harsh blow indeed. For the first time in a long time, Carmel actually felt sorry for her husband. He tried so hard to be a people pleaser. There was some need in him, some want that made him crave approval and acknowledgement, and from individuals who were only really on the periphery of his life, and all the while the two people who should mean the most to him hardly rated at all. Now a grandchild was coming, and instead of the baby bringing joy there would be more division in the family, more trauma. Would it never end?

  But Valerie needed her, an
d her grandchild would need her, and Carmel would do her best for them. That was all she could do. Terence would have to be responsible for his own feelings and behaviour; she wasn’t going to indulge him any more. Those days were gone.

  She had meant what she had said to Valerie. Better no marriage than an unhappy marriage. She had learned that the very hard way. She had to take responsibility for her own part in the unhappiness of her own marriage, she thought with a dart of shock. She should never have married Terence. But she had married him to get away from an unhappy home life, afraid to strike out on her own, and had gone from the frying pan into the fire. He wasn’t all to blame.

  She must speak of this to her daughter soon to try to prevent her from making the same mistake. Although in fairness Jeff Egan seemed like a very nice lad and she had never felt any cause for concern for her daughter’s welfare because of him. But even the nicest chap in the world would change in an unhappy marriage, especially if it was a marriage they felt coerced into. No matter what Terence said – and Carmel knew without the shadow of a doubt that he’d want Valerie up that aisle the sooner the better – she was going to do her best to persuade her daughter to give it time before rushing into a marriage that could end in tears. Carmel felt a firm resolve that brought an unexpected calm to her spirit as she stood at the kitchen sink washing the dishes.

  ‘I’ve told my mother,’ Valerie said to Jeff as they walked along the beach under The Headland.

  ‘What did she say?’ Jeff kicked a piece of driftwood out of his way. He had his hands in his jacket pockets and she wished he would hold hands with her. The weather had turned and a south-easterly blew up along the beach, swirling the sand around them. She hadn’t wanted to sit in the stuffy lounge of the hotel. She wanted fresh air and had asked him to go for a walk on the beach. He was subdued and had given her only a peck on the cheek when they’d met up.