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  He kissed her on their second date and although she found the experience pleasant she waited in vain for her heart to start pounding and her insides to turn to molten liquid as she had read in so many romantic novels. But it never happened, to her secret dismay. She wondered unhappily if she really was frigid.

  They attended Maggie’s wedding together and that night, after drinking many glasses of champagne she returned his kisses ardently, wishing she could make him want her as she wanted him, aching for him to touch her breasts, but he kept his hands frustratingly resting on her hipbones, his eyes closed almost in concentration.

  Although she was sexually innocent Caroline knew instinctively that she did not arouse him but she was far too shy and insecure about their relationship to discuss the matter with him, and he never brought up the subject. He kept dating her and invited her to meet his mother, his father having died while he was still in college.

  Sarah Yates almost ignored Caroline for the duration of their visit, concentrating her energies on criticizing her only son as they sat in the darkly formal and gloomy Victorian sitting room of her large red-bricked house. Caroline found Mrs Yates to be a cold domineering person and she could understand where Richard got his reserve. Although he was charming and polite he was not at all demonstrative or affectionate to her and having lacked physical affection for a good part of her life, Caroline did not dwell too much on what was obviously not to be. But sometimes, secretly, she longed for him to lose control and make passionate love to her. Lately, she found sex was constantly on her mind and wondered anxiously if she was odd. Not even with Devlin did she feel able to discuss the problem and besides Devlin was very preoccupied with her new boss and was developing an immense infatuation for him. It was all: ‘Colin said this’ or ‘Colin thinks that . . . ’ Caroline found it very worrying indeed. Sometimes Devlin was so impulsive, going head first into something, never stopping to think of the consequences. She could be as daft as a brush. Maybe their forthcoming holiday abroad would make her forget this suave married man with the very glamorous wife. Caroline certainly hoped so. She could only see trouble in store for her friend if she continued to indulge herself in her infatuation.

  Richard had not been happy when Caroline told him that she was going abroad with Devlin and two other girls who lived upstairs from them. An icy mask descended on his face and he had been cold and almost rude for the evening. It was the first time she had seen him in a mood and it chilled her. That night, upset and indecisive, she had told Devlin that she was thinking of not going with them. The younger girl had been furious.

  ‘Are you crazy, Caroline?’ she demanded. ‘Why shouldn’t you go and enjoy yourself, for crying out loud? Just who does he think he is?’ She had wagged a warning finger. ‘Don’t start letting him order you around, Caroline, because you’ll be sorry in the long run! For goodness sake stand up to him at least. You know you won’t stand up to your father and the boys, so don’t make the same mistake with Richard or he’ll treat you like a doormat. Honest to God, Caro, you’ve got to start standing up for yourself ’cos no-one else will!’

  Miserable, she hadn’t slept a wink. It was all right for Devlin to tell her to stand up for herself, Richard might very well decide not to see her again and she would be alone. What was a girl to do? The following day Richard rang her at the office, something he rarely did, and apologized for his behaviour. He put it down to pressure of work, telling her he had lost a court case the day before. ‘Go and enjoy yourself. Don’t mind about me,’ he had instructed in a faintly martyred tone of voice. Obviously she wasn’t being sent off with his full blessing. She suffered excruciating pangs of guilt in the weeks preceding her holiday as he complained of overwork and about how he couldn’t leave his practice to have his holiday because of the number of cases he was handling. He moaned that he hadn’t taken a holiday in the last two years. ‘It must be great to be able to take off as the fancy takes you . . . one of the great advantages to being employed as opposed to being self-employed like me.’ Caroline miserably agreed, forgetting his long weekends away to France, Scotland, and Wales for the rugby matches and his few days at Cheltenham.

  Between Richard and her father, who never stopped moaning about having to wash and iron his own clothes, and make his dinners, her holiday was becoming more of a burden each day. Patiently she told her father that she would make up extra dinners and put them in the freezer for him. Even though she was long since living in her flat, it was expected of her that she still do housekeeping for her father. Usually she went home twice a week to wash and iron her father’s clothes, and to hoover and polish the house. She never got much thanks for her efforts, her father and the boys taking it as their due. After all she was the woman of the family.

  By the time they boarded the plane she was a nervous wreck. Devlin could barely hide her impatience as they sat waiting to take off. It was Caroline’s first flight but all the excitement in her had been killed by the cold kiss Richard had bestowed on her at the airport. Devlin had been so annoyed by his behaviour that she had glared at him and he had returned the glare. Now Devlin was sitting beside her on the plane and from the expression on her face Caroline knew she was going to be the recipient of a lecture. Noeleen and Ailish, their companions, were utterly unaware of the tension, having downed several large brandies to relax themselves.

  Caroline caught her friend’s eye and knew that Devlin wouldn’t be able to restrain herself for much longer. Devlin had only so much patience and then she would let fly. Sitting in her window seat she felt taut and harassed. The engines roared and Caroline couldn’t suppress a little gasp as the Jumbo thundered down the runway and lifted its immense bulk smoothly off the ground. She found herself leaning forward in her seat as if to help the aircraft to stay airborne and heard Devlin laugh beside her. ‘Relax, Caro, it’s not going to fall back down.’ They looked at each other and Devlin said gently: ‘Now listen, I’m not going to nark but for the next two weeks the only person you are to think about is yourself. Right?’

  ‘Right,’ Caroline echoed meekly.

  ‘Look! You deserve this holiday. If Richard can’t have one that’s tough cheese. I mean it’s not as if he can’t afford it. We’re going to have two blissful weeks of fun starting from now.’

  Devlin grinned at her friend. And to her surprise, Caroline felt her anxieties float away from her, felt herself becoming more relaxed and happy with every mile that separated them from Dublin. The air of gaiety and anticipation that pervaded the jetliner as two hundred and fifty holidaymakers prepared for their hard-earned two weeks of sun and fun was highly infectious and Caroline surprised herself by actually joining in a sing-song.

  She surprised herself several times on holiday, in fact. After an initially demure start on the beach, feeling shy in her bikini, she soon realized that everyone was far too concerned about getting their own tan to notice her and at Devlin’s urging, she discarded her bikini top and luxuriated in the sensual kiss of the sun’s rays on her small pink-tipped breasts.

  Noeleen and Ailish were a revelation to her! It seemed as if every ounce of inhibition had been shed as soon as they landed on Portuguese soil. They would parade around the apartment quite naked and their behaviour with the men they met each night in the disco shocked Caroline. They asked men to dance, they kissed and fondled them quite openly and sometimes they brought them back to the apartment and slept with them in their own room, leaving Devlin and herself to try and ignore the sounds of passion that issued forth from the second bedroom. Even Devlin was moved to comment on their behaviour but her warnings on AIDS and the risk of infection went cheerfully unheeded.

  ‘We’re on holidays and for goodness sake don’t start acting the Mother Superior, Dev,’ Noeleen had ordered firmly, so Devlin had said no more. Caroline and she had met two Portuguese medical students earning their university fees by working as waiters for the summer and while Noeleen and Ailish found someone new each night, they were content to stay with the young men for
the fortnight.

  Caroline knew that Devlin was not particularly interested in Vitor, her escort, having her mind full of thoughts of her boss, but Caroline found Paulo, her friend, great fun and excitingly sexy. He was twenty-five, very tall and well built and quite the opposite to Richard in personality. His dark brown eyes would glitter with laughter as he did his utmost to seduce her. She made Devlin promise not to leave her alone with him so everything they did was done as a foursome.

  The young men took them to small villages off the beaten track where they sampled true Portuguese cooking and experienced the warmth and friendliness of the Portuguese race. On their last night Devlin was stricken with a dose of Spanish tummy and Paulo begged Caroline to take a walk along the beach with him. Half-excited, half-afraid, she let herself be persuaded.

  Throughout the fortnight he had kissed her often, kisses that had left her breathless, warm and excited . . . feelings she had never experienced with Richard. Strange and unfamiliar desires assailed her and she wished she could free herself from the fetters of her shy inhibited nature to enjoy the sensuality of her body that cried out for passion and warmth and giving and taking. That night on the beach with Paulo she knew that she certainly was not a frigid woman. As Paulo gently and experiencedly caressed her she felt her sensuality reveal itself as she caressed the tanned muscular body that lay so intimately against her. She told him that she wanted to stay a virgin for her husband and Paulo, staring down at her with smiling passionate eyes, whispered seductively, ‘There are other ways, my Caroline. Let me show you . . . ’

  They spent a wonderful night beneath the glittering stars with the moonlight shimmering radiantly on the sea, the sound of the surging tide adding to their pleasure. Caressing and kissing, tasting and touching, she experienced for the first time a deeply sensual pleasure. Deep down she knew she would never experience such physical pleasure with Richard, who was not a sensual man, but she buried the thought in her mind. That was a choice she might have to make in the future but now was not the time to think about it. For that last lovely night Caroline revelled in her sensuality and her memories of Paulo often saved her sanity in years to come.

  Richard’s welcoming kiss, cool and reserved as ever, gave her no pleasure and for the first time in her life she deliberately lied to someone, avoiding his questions about the holidays, fearful that if he ever found out about Paulo he would finish with her. Now that she was back home all her old panics and inhibitions were as bad as ever and her fear of being left on the shelf became even more pronounced when the office junior arrived in one morning flourishing a particularly vulgar looking diamond cluster on her left hand.

  Lord, she’s only eighteen! Caroline mused miserably as she tried on the ring and made the traditional wish. You were not allowed to wish for a man – it wouldn’t come true if you did – but wishing for Mrs Yates as her mother-in-law solved that little problem!

  Soon after her return from holidays Richard asked her to go to Galway to visit some friends for a long weekend and, happily, she agreed to go. Maybe away from the pressures of his work he might become a warm and loving person. At least the fact that he had asked her showed that their relationship was taking a more serious turn. Caroline felt a little glow of happiness. Maybe he was afraid he would lose control and shock her by his demands, she reflected dreamily. She would just gently let him know that she wouldn’t be the slightest bit shocked . . . would in fact welcome his advances. Bidding Devlin a happy farewell she noticed momentarily that her friend seemed unhappy and tense. Devlin had been in quite bad form lately and Caroline had a feeling that it had something to do with Colin Cantrell-King.

  Richard didn’t really care for Devlin. Caroline had mentioned as they drove towards Galway that Devlin was unhappy about something. ‘Is she?’ he answered coolly. ‘You know, Caroline, I don’t like the way that girl bosses you around. She’s too sure of herself, if you ask me.’

  For the first time in their relationship she answered sharply. ‘Devlin never bosses me around, she’s the best friend a girl could have. Only I know what she’s done for me so please don’t criticize her to me!’

  Her voice had been a little shaky but she stared him down, noting the tightening of his thin mouth.

  ‘Very well,’ he said tightly and they had driven along in strained silence. Eventually her nerve broke.

  ‘Richard! Please don’t be mad,’ she pleaded. ‘It will ruin the weekend. I mean it’s the first time we’ve been away together.’ She met his gaze shyly. ‘Let’s try to get to know each other a little better.’ They had stopped on a lay-by to take a rest and impulsively she reached over and kissed him on the mouth. She felt him tense up, felt rebuffed and drew away. Richard stared at her for a moment with a strange, almost sad, look in his eyes.

  His hand reached out to caress her face and he said quietly, ‘I don’t deserve you. Do I?’

  ‘Oh Richard!’ she murmured not knowing what to say. He reached into his breast pocket and drew forth a small package and handed it to her.

  ‘What is it?’ she asked intrigued.

  ‘Open it,’ he said smiling. Caroline’s eyes widened as she removed the wrapping paper and opened the box to find a pair of exquisite sapphire earrings reposing in a bed of black velvet.

  ‘Oh Richard! For me?’ He nodded and leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. ‘I hope you like them.’

  ‘I do,’ she assured him, wishing he had kissed her on the mouth.

  Several times over the weekend she met Charles Stokes, the man she had first met in Richard’s company that first evening at the theatre. Subsequently she met him several times when they had been out at functions and it was obvious he was a great and trusted friend of Richard’s. In his early fifties and unmarried he was an eminent barrister and Richard confided that he had been most helpful in assisting him to set up in business. Richard felt a deep sense of gratitude towards the older man and Caroline thought that in him he was finding the father figure so missing from his life since his father had died. Charles never had much to say to her, just the usual social chit-chat. When she saw Charles in Galway her heart sank to her boots. She knew there was no way this was going to be a nice secluded weekend alone with Richard as she had hoped. They might as well have stayed in Dublin. They stayed with friends of Richard’s, a married couple who made her feel welcome and teased her about how nice it was to see Richard at last looking as though he was starting to settle down.

  ‘You know, this is the longest Richard has ever dated a girl. All the women in Dublin must be broken-hearted. Every time he went somewhere he had a different girl on his arm. The Playboy of the Western World has nothing on our Richard!’ Caroline laughed. It never ceased to amaze her that of all the sophisticated beautiful women she knew Richard had dated, she was the one who seemed to have lasted the longest. If only they could break down the physical barriers that seemed to exist between them. Maybe it was because she was that much younger than him. After all he was thirty-two, and with years of experience of women, and maybe he felt he would be taking advantage of her innocence. It was so frustrating! She knew seventeen year olds who were no longer virgins. If only she could get Richard to realize that she would welcome intimacy, but she had her own bedroom in Galway and there was little opportunity for them to be alone together. Frustrated, she went to bed each night with only memories of her encounters with Paulo sustaining her like old friends.

  A few days after her return she arrived home one evening to find Devlin sobbing her heart out. She was horrified to find the so strong and usually so self-reliant Devlin crying and swiftly put her arms around her friend to comfort her.

  When Devlin told her about her pregnancy Caroline was stunned. How could Devlin, who was usually so full of commonsense, have been so foolish? Shocked, she had listened while Devlin told her of her illegitimacy and adoption and felt such pity and love for the younger girl that she wanted to sit hugging her tightly. For the first time in her life she was needed and the sensation made her
feel strong and decisive. She badly wanted to go to London with Devlin to be with her for the abortion. Her mind shrank from the word but still if Devlin felt it was the right thing to do she wasn’t going to make her feel even more guilty by voicing her dismay at the idea. If she were in Devlin’s shoes, expecting a baby, even out of wedlock, she’d be secretly thrilled. Banishing the sinful thought she had made pot after pot of tea. They talked and confided in each other as they had never done before.

  Watching Devlin disappear through the departure doors at the airport, Caroline knew with certainty that whatever happened to either of them, their friendship was a bond which would never be broken. Not even Richard would come between herself and Devlin. When Devlin rang her to tell her that she was going to have the baby, she was so relieved. The thoughts of the abortion had preyed on her mind. What a despicable bastard Cantrell-King was! She wondered uneasily what Richard would have done in the same position. Not that there was much danger of that, she thought sadly.

  Devlin’s departure left Caroline extremely lonely. And with Maggie gone to Saudi to live with her new husband, she found herself without her two best friends. And so she turned to Richard more and more. Their relationship left her feeling vaguely dissatisfied, yet she was not strong enough to end it or, more importantly, to talk about it with him. Richard seemed happy enough the way things were between them. She guessed that he was glad that Devlin had gone from the scene. He welcomed her growing emotional dependence on him and after a while Caroline had almost persuaded herself that she was truly in love with him.

  When he proposed marriage one evening just before Christmas, she accepted, but to her intense dismay, instead of feeling that she was exquisitely happy, as she should have been on reaching her life’s ambition, Caroline could only feel a strange deadness like champagne that’s been left too long and has gone flat. But the feel of the elegant solitaire on the third finger of her left hand brought her a sense of comfort and solace that almost made up for her lack of excitement and watching it glinting under the lights of the Christmas tree near which she sat with Richard’s arm protectively around her, she thought how strange it was that now, when she had what she had always wanted, it wasn’t quite enough. Was that always the way with life? Well it was what she had chosen and it was up to her to make Richard a good and loving wife.