With All My Love Page 15

  ‘He’s my baby, the only one left,’ she sighed.

  ‘Well, don’t smother him, because men hate to be smothered,’ he advised.

  ‘Are you saying I smother you?’ she demanded.

  ‘What is wrong with you? You’re like a briar.’ He threw his eyes up to heaven.

  ‘Sorry,’ she muttered.

  ‘I’d better put the bins out.’ Lorcan stood up and walked to the back porch. She could have kicked herself for putting him in a bad humour with her crankiness. He was right, she was like a briar. She was even starting to annoy herself with her mood swings.

  She heard Lorcan talking to someone and then Jeff came into the kitchen wearing his football kit. His T-shirt was stuck to him in damp patches after his run.

  ‘Just going to wash these, is that OK?’ He glanced over to see if the washing machine was empty.

  ‘Sure, go ahead,’ she said, glancing at him surreptitiously to see if he still looked grumpy. ‘Would you like a cup of tea?’ she offered.

  ‘Nah, thanks, I’m gonna hit the sack.’ He gave another of his gale-force sighs.

  ‘Jeff, if there’s anything wrong you can tell me, you know that,’ she said tentatively, just as Lorcan came back into the kitchen.

  ‘Valerie’s pregnant!’

  Tessa’s heart started to pound. Had she heard him right? ‘What!’ Her mouth was dry and she had to swallow hard.

  ‘Valerie’s pregnant!’ he repeated, unable to meet her gaze.

  ‘In the name of God!’ she exploded as Lorcan laid a restraining hand on her arm. ‘I knew it, I knew something like that was going to happen with that one.’

  ‘Stop it, Tessa,’ Lorcan said sternly.

  ‘I won’t stop it, Lorcan. In this day and age there’s no need for girls to get pregnant. They have access to contraception, not like in our day,’ she ranted. ‘Were you using contraceptives?’ she demanded, her face contorted with anger.

  ‘Yes, condoms,’ Jeff muttered miserably. ‘One burst on us.’

  ‘Why wasn’t she on the pill if you were having sex? Was she afraid she’d put on weight? It’s not good enough, Jeff. You’ve ruined your life. She’s ruined your life.’ Tessa burst into tears.

  ‘When is the baby due?’ Lorcan asked quietly.

  ‘April.’

  ‘April!’ Tessa screeched. ‘You have your finals coming up. Have you any idea what it’s like having a new baby? And where are you going to live? And what are you going to live on? Jesus Christ Almighty, Jeff, how could you?’ She was devastated as she stood looking at her woebegone younger son, his head hanging, his fists clenched tightly.

  ‘I’ll look after Valerie, don’t worry about that,’ he shouted back at her. ‘We’re going to get married as soon as we can.’

  ‘Oh, by God you are not!’ Tessa stood with her hands on her hips. ‘You’re not marrying that one. You’re not marrying anyone at your age, do you hear me?’

  ‘I have to marry her,’ he said desperately. ‘I have to do the right thing.’

  ‘The lad is right—’

  ‘No, Lorcan, no!’ Tessa turned on her husband, eyes blazing. ‘I won’t allow it. He’s too young to marry anyone. You should never marry because you have to, only because you want to.’ She stared at Lorcan, wiping the tears from her eyes and saw the pain in his. She hated Jeff for inflicting this torment on his family.

  ‘We’ll talk about it tomorrow,’ Lorcan said firmly. ‘Have you told Valerie’s parents yet?’

  ‘No, we were leaving it for a while until we have our plans made,’ he said miserably.

  ‘Oh Jesus,’ Tessa moaned. She’d forgotten about Valerie’s parents. ‘Whatever about Carmel, that other yoke is a piece of work. What did you get involved with the likes of them for?’

  ‘Stop it, Tessa. Go to bed,’ Lorcan said grimly. ‘And you too, Jeff. We can talk about it tomorrow and see what has to be done. We’ll stand by you and Valerie, won’t we, Tessa?’

  He directed a laser-like stare at his wife and Tessa knew him well enough to realize that she could only push it so far with him. Lorcan was a quiet man and rarely had to assert himself, but when he did he was formidable.

  ‘Tessa?’ Lorcan repeated.

  ‘Yes, we’ll support you,’ Tessa said dully, and turned on her heel and walked out of the kitchen. She picked up her bag from under the hallstand and rooted for her car keys.

  ‘Where are you going?’ She hadn’t heard Lorcan following her out into the hall.

  ‘I need to be on my own. I’m going to drive over to The Point and sit in the car for a while.’

  ‘You need to be with me, with your family.’ He took her hand in his and held it to his heart, his face creased and tired as he looked at her with concern.

  ‘No, Lorcan, I need to be on my own, I’m sorry.’ She touched his cheek with her free hand and he let her go.

  ‘Take a jacket, it’s chilly out tonight and don’t stay out too late,’ he said heavily before going back to Jeff.

  She took one of his fleeces off the hallstand and walked out into the cool night air. Autumn’s chill had come early, even though it was only late August, and once the sun went down they were back to lighting fires in the kitchen. She got into the car and found that her hands were shaking as she went to put the key into the ignition. She felt weighed down with worry. Once you had a child there was always worry. Jeff would find that out soon enough. His relatively carefree existence was gone, never to be regained. All her dreams for him had just evaporated with those two words: ‘Valerie’s pregnant.’

  Valerie. Valerie. Valerie! Now no matter how much Tessa hated the idea, their lives would always be entwined now. Valerie was the mother of their first grandchild whether Tessa liked it or not and, more to the point, whether Tessa liked her or not. That was the worst of it. After hearing Jeff’s news, Tessa felt even more hostile than ever towards her son’s girlfriend. Well, she was not going to become her daughter-in-law if Tessa had anything to do with it. Her precious son was not going to be trapped into a marriage with that girl and have Terence Harris for a father-in-law. She had no time for the way Valerie’s father ripped off the welfare system, shamelessly selling fuel to which he was not entitled, and making a fine profit at tax payers’ expense. Jeff had told her that he treated Valerie harshly and was very dictatorial. Poor Carmel never looked happy. She didn’t want that man in their lives. Over her dead body, Tessa vowed as she started up the engine and drove into the velvet darkness.

  Lorcan lay in bed, waiting for the sound of the car driving up to the house. It was nearly midnight. He wished Tessa would come home so that he could put his arms around her and try to offer her some comfort. He knew she was devastated. He knew that as well as worrying about Jeff and his future she would be dreading the whispered talk in the village. The busybodies would have a field day. That aspect of it didn’t bother him too much, Lorcan thought sourly. He didn’t give two hoots about the village gossips. What he was worried about, apart from Tessa’s pain, was his wife’s attitude towards Valerie. She was very hard on the girl, for some reason. He found her a nice enough young lady. Jeff seemed happy with her and that was the important thing. And he was proud of his son for wanting to do the right thing by her. That was the mark of a man.

  Lorcan studied the golden harvest moon, framed by the big sash windows in their bedroom. It would be lovely to be out fishing under it. Peaceful, calm, serene. The sea was the only place he’d find peace and quiet for the next few months, he thought glumly. The family would be on a rocky road for the foreseeable future, but he’d been on a rocky road before, he and Tessa, and they’d survived and regained their equilibrium. There was no point in crying over spilled milk and pointing the finger of blame. This too would pass.

  He heard Tessa’s car crunch over the gravel and hoped she’d calmed down. He yawned again. He longed for sleep but his wife needed him tonight of all nights. Lorcan took a deep breath and lay patiently awaiting his poor beleaguered beloved.

  Jef
f lay wide awake and heard his mother make her way up the stairs. He heard the creak of his parents’ bedroom door and the low murmur of voices.

  At least they knew. There was some relief in that. He hadn’t intended telling them so soon and had just blurted it out when Tessa had pressed to know what was wrong with him. He had expected her response, if he was honest. Tessa never kept her emotions reined in. She was so different from his father. That was why they worked so well as a couple, he supposed, looking at his parents’ relationship for the first time with adult eyes. Lorcan and Tessa were like him and Valerie. She was the hot-tempered, shoot-from-the-hip sort, and he was the laid-back, anything-for-an-easy-life type.

  Well, life would be anything but laid-back from now on. He was going to have responsibilities. He was going to be a father. It all seems so surreal, he thought tiredly. If he had ever thought anything like this would have happened he’d never have had sex . . . ever.

  Valerie was up to ninety, his mother was up to ninety. She was disappointed in him and Valerie was disappointed that he hadn’t come up to Dublin tonight. She wanted to get married, he knew that. She’d been so relieved when he’d suggested it, hoping against hope that she’d want to at least wait until he had finished his exams, and maybe by then she might have cooled on the idea. He might very well have to give up college and stay fishing to have a steady income to provide for his child.

  His father expected him to get married and do ‘the right thing’. He had got a girl into trouble and he couldn’t walk away, would be Lorcan’s thinking on the matter. In fairness to his mother she understood how trapped he felt. Trapped, cornered, ensnared . . . these words couldn’t even begin to describe how he felt. He cared an awful lot for Valerie, he really did, but even though he’d told her he loved her, now he wasn’t quite so sure. He hadn’t planned on getting engaged or married or any serious stuff like that. Let alone having a baby. All he’d wanted was to have fun and plenty of sex, just like all his mates. Why did he have to be the one to get caught? It wasn’t bloody fair, he raged. Tonight had been the second worst night of his life. When he’d found out Valerie was pregnant had been the first.

  And another dread-inducing ordeal awaited. Valerie’s folks had to be told the shattering news and old man Harris was going to have his guts for garters.

  Jeff felt utterly tense as he lay with his hands damp with perspiration and his heart beating a tattoo under the sheet, wishing he could pack up his kitbag, climb out the window and take to his heels, away from Rockland’s and all the responsibilities and hassle that now awaited him.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Valerie lay in bed, desperate for sleep. She felt nauseous, stressed and very tired. Lizzie, asleep on the divan beside her, gave a few gentle ladylike snores, oblivious to her best friend’s desperation. Valerie tried hard not to be resentful. Lizzie was a true friend. From the moment Valerie had tearfully confided that she feared she was pregnant, Lizzie had proved that she was pure gold. She had got Valerie through those first shattering days when her world had been thrown into upheaval. She had sat beside her on the chipped edge of the old-fashioned cast-iron enamel bath, holding her hand while they waited for the results of the pregnancy test, a result that Valerie had known instinctively would be positive. From that heart-stopping moment when the condom had burst when she and Jeff had made love, after their happy evening at the pictures, Valerie had known that she had fallen pregnant.

  ‘It will be OK,’ Jeff assured her, trying to ease her panic. ‘It happens lots of times to people and nothing goes wrong.’

  ‘Did it ever happen to you and Ursula?’ She was frantic for reassurance as she wriggled out from under him.

  ‘Yeah,’ he’d muttered. ‘It was fine, though. Have a bath. It will be OK. Stop panicking.’ He yawned and seemed unconcerned as he lay back against the pillows.

  Easy for you to say, she thought edgily as she got out of bed to run a bath.

  ‘Maybe you should think of going on the pill,’ Jeff suggested warily as they sat at the kitchen table a while later, having a cup of hot chocolate to try to ease her agitation and induce sleep. Her fears were beginning to impact on him and he was starting to feel jittery.

  ‘Yeah, I’ll go to the Well Woman,’ she agreed, knowing in her heart of hearts that it was already too late.

  She would never forget the look on his face, a few weeks later, when she told him that the pregnancy test she’d taken was positive. They were sitting on a bench under a massive oak tree in Phoenix Park, the sun-dappled leaves dipping down over their heads in the late evening sun. The park was buzzing with joggers, dog walkers, and families and couples out for a stroll after work. She had met Jeff after a training session and he was tired, thirsty and keen to go for a pint.

  ‘I’m pregnant,’ she said hesitantly, and saw the last vestiges of his boyish carefree joie de vivre disappear before her eyes as shock, horror and dismay took up residence in his psyche.

  ‘God, Valerie, are you sure?’ he demanded, jumping to his feet.

  ‘Positive,’ she retorted, her heart sinking as she saw the trapped desperation in his eyes. ‘What are we going to do?’

  ‘Well . . . ah . . . could you do something to bring on a miscarriage? Can you have very hot baths or . . . or lift something heavy?’ He was pacing up and down in front of her, grey-faced beneath his tan. ‘This is a disaster,’ he burst out.

  ‘Oh, Jeff,’ she murmured in dismay, and burst into tears.

  ‘Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,’ he said gruffly. ‘Come on, let’s get out of here.’ He took her hand, embarrassed that people were looking at them as Valerie wept uncontrollably. They walked to the car in silence and she struggled to compose herself.

  ‘Where do you want to go?’ he asked.

  ‘Home,’ she muttered, distraught.

  ‘Will you be OK to drive? I can’t leave the bike here. I’ll follow you.’ He held the car door open for her.

  ‘OK,’ she said even though her hand trembled as she put the key in the ignition.

  He’s going to dump me, she thought fearfully as she drove past the American Ambassador’s Residence. The Stars and Stripes fluttered gaily in the breeze, mocking her with its carefree abandon. People were walking along talking, laughing. Anger and resentment ripped through her. Her life was in tatters and no one cared.

  She drove towards the North Circular Gate, glancing in the rear-view mirror to see if there was any sign of Jeff following her on the bike. She might never see him again, she thought in sudden terror. She’d seen the horrified look in his eyes when she’d told him that he was going to be a father. He wanted to be a million miles away from her. She was a fool to think otherwise. He was probably blaming her for what happened. If blame was to be apportioned it had to be half and half, she screamed silently. It took two to make a baby. That was always forgotten when a girl got pregnant outside of marriage. The boys more often than not got away scot-free to continue their lives unhindered and unfettered. It was the girl who paid the price. She was now one of those girls that everyone judged so freely. People would whisper about her behind their hands at work. She would be the talk of the village and her parents would be ashamed.

  She had believed the myth of liberation perpetuated in all those glossy magazines she devoured avidly. She had believed that women were free to have it all, including a sex life outside of marriage. How many articles had she read about ‘Pleasing Your Man’? She’d bought sexy lingerie and slathered herself in moisturizers and lotions to keep her skin silky soft, and believed she was a ‘liberated woman’, ‘A Woman of the Eighties’. She’d looked at the glitzy soaps, Dallas, Dynasty and the like, and wanted to be just like those characters. And look at where that had got her. What a fool she’d been to take such a risk. She’d been so shallow and impressionable, thinking that she was cool and sophisticated, especially when she was back in Rockland’s socializing with Jeff in the hotel, impressing the hell out of her peers. The girls she’d been so desperate to kee
p up with. For the first time in her life she’d felt she was as good as they were. How sad was that, she thought, to define herself as being a success because she had a boyfriend and she was sleeping with him, and she was a so-called ‘liberated woman’. How sad, and how utterly immature.

  She and Jeff had never even discussed what would happen if she got pregnant. She had taken no responsibility for her own state of being. She should have been proactive and used some sort of contraception other than condoms. At least then she would have had a degree of control. She’d been completely irresponsible, sickening though it was to admit. She’d thought she was mature, but this was the beginning of maturity, she realized, her first instance of real self-awareness.

  She had Lizzie and she had her mother to depend on, otherwise she was on her own. Fear swamped her again as she emerged onto the North Circular and had to brake suddenly when a taxi cut in front of her. ‘Bastard!’ she swore viciously, pressing hard on the horn. The taxi driver flipped the finger at her and she felt hatred for every man she knew. She hoped her baby would be a girl, she thought bitterly.

  Jeff wanted her to have a miscarriage. He had been surprisingly direct about it. It would solve everything. She wondered if he would ask her to go to England for an abortion. Rita Gallagher, who worked in the village post office, was supposed to have travelled to a clinic in Liverpool for a termination, or so the rumour went. She was having an affair with the local Garda sergeant, who was married with two grown sons. It had been going on for years. Rita ignored all the gossip that swirled around her and held her head high always; much to the disgust of some of the Altar Crawlers, who held the high moral ground and conveniently forgot the biblical precept of not judging lest you be judged. Valerie sighed, thinking of Rita. She couldn’t bear to have a rumour like that following her around. What a difficult and lonely journey that must have been if it was true. Valerie knew that no matter what happened she would not be taking the boat to England, but she would never judge anyone who did. Being unwantedly pregnant was something she wouldn’t wish on her worst enemy.